moving out

sekarang ke sini aja yah:
http://politicaltears.multiply.com/

lebih rame, foto-foto, tulis-tulis.

c'ya there.

politicaltears.

in fear 2 [tamat]

sebagai orang Indonesia, harusnya bom dan ancaman-ancamannya nggak aneh lagi.
beberapa hari yang lalu, sepulang kerja, langsung ke stasiun.
kalo biasanya nyampe stasiun nggak pernah klop jadwalnya alias harus nunggu beberapa menit,
kali ini pas, 2 menit lagi kereta jalan.
setelah lari tergopoh-gopoh, turun eskalator lelompatan, dan langsung masuk gerbong, tanpa sempet milih-milih
mau duduk dimana, ah, lumayan juga yang penting nggak missed, daripada nunggu 10 menit lagi.

nah, begitu duduk, siap-siap menyamankan diri dengan beberapa alat bantu kecuekan di kereta,
ipod lamat-lamat, majalah, dan kacamata hitam sudah pada tempatnya masing-masing, mata terganggu dengan percakapan
4 orang [tidak mengenal satu sama lain], tentang sebuah tas. mata mereka mengarah ke titik yang sama.

ternyata oh ternyata, mereka ngomongin tentang tas yang tergeletak begitu aja, tak ada pemiliknya.
sebagainya kota yang katanya jadi salah satu sasaran bom alqaeda, tentunya mereka parno setengah mati.
ditambah lagi dengan kampanye-kampanye di public transport, seperti "if you see something, say something", terutama buat unattended bag, gerak gerik mencurigakan, dll.
sebagainya anak Jakarta [loh?], tadinya yang mau nyantai aja sambil dalam hati bilang, "ah bom mah biasa!", jadi serem juga.
beberapa bom yang udah kejadian di Jakarta, sejauh ini, memang belum ada dampak langsung, karena emang nggak ada di tempat kejadian, dan waktu itu nggak ikutan nengok ke tempat kejadian. jadi berempati dari kejauhan aja.

tapi kali ini, si tas tak bertuan itu, beneran cuman berjarak nggak lebih dari 5 meter.
kalo beneran bom dan meledak, agak kurang lucu juga.
tapi sempet merasa semua indera, ngebayangin kalo itu beneran bom yang bakal meledak kurang dari 10 menit ke depan dan dekat sekali jaraknya. sambil berfantasi, sambil setengah pikiran sadar di kenyataan. oh belum, belum meledak. oh bakalan turun, 2 stop lagi.

dan lagi asik mikirin, duh bakalan meledak sebelum nyampe stasiun gue atau nggak sih?
kalo iya, mesti ngirim sms nih. kalo nggak, ntar koran-koran itu kurang berita.
kalo beneran bakalan mati karena bom, duh gimana ya.
tiba-tiba seorang petugas security pun muncul dan "ngejemput" tas itu.
tapi tetep tas itu ada di dalam kereta.
kalo meledak pas dia pegang gimana?

dan nggak lama, sampai lah di stasiun tujuan.
turun.
dan nggak ada ledakan.
sampe rumah.
ngelempar badan ke sofa bed.
dan masih hidup.

in the mood of fears

another year has been killed
precious dramas
thrilling journey
smooth slap on face
unforgettable picture of moments
all have left behind

a new year has just started
another year that has to be killed
fear
and fears

back to the box of an unexpected surprises
start from scratch all over again
getting ready for harder slap on face

but hey who knows
possibly it's gonna be a year of an unforgettable fears

deserve

deserve or not deserve
kata ini lumayan absurd

di umur semuda ini [uuy], gue seringnya nggak deserve ini itu
belum layak ngomong ini itu
nggak deserve perlakuan ini itu
nggak deserve dapet ini itu karena nggak kerja cukup keras
pokoknya banyak lah hal-hal yang gue nggak deserve

kemarin ini gue ngerasa bahwa gue deserve sesuatu dari australian government!
penalty tax gue yang jumlahnya kalo buat beli kerupuk [oh kangen kerupuk putih, yang kadang-kadang ada juga versi kuning dan pink muda nya], nggak bakal abis sampe Jakarta nggak macet lagi,
sudah gue rebut kembali!

kerja siang malem pagi sampe pagi lagi, kalo cuman buat bayar denda tax, ampunilah
gue yang datang dari negara dunia ketiga ini, masak sih dirampok sama kangguru ini
money does matter, tapi gue bukan money eater, makanya waktu disuruh bayar denda, gue bayar aja, daripada ditangkep polisi, tapi berkat "kerelaan" dan terus berusaha, gue deserve ini.

kali ini gue ngerasa deserve.
deserve emang karena usaha atau bisa deserve karena emang deserve dateng begitu aja?
apa sih.

tadi malam, tadi pagi

I : Jadi tadi malem ngapain?
S: Nongkrong di jalanan, Collins Street.

I : Outlet Ticketmaster ya?
S: Iyalah, dari jam 11 malem.

I : Ck ck, gigih sekali, pasti tiket konser U2 ya?
S: Situ bener banget. Untungnya nongkrongnya nggak sendirian.

I : Oh, banyak yang rela nunggu semaleman gitu?
S: Wuihhh, banyak banget. Dateng jam 11 aja udah banyak yang ngantri.

I : Emangnya loketnya buka jam berapa?
S: 9 pagi tadi.

I : [nyembah2] Jadi nunggu hampir 12 jam?
S: Situ pinter ngitungnya. Tapi ini katanya nggak seberapa dibanding waktu KISS main di sini, ngantrinya 3 hari 2 malem.

I : Jadi semalem bareng siapa aja?
S: Sebagian besar backpackers gitu lah, sebagian besar Irish, tapi banyak juga yang Australian nya. Rame lah. Kami bersenang-senang kok, nyanyi sana sini, minum sana sini. Sempet ngantuk berat, untung bawa sleeping bag, jadi sempet tidur bentar. Irish-irish itu seru banget, berisik, dan ramah-ramah, padahal saya ini satu-satunya Asia malem itu. Lucunya, tiap ada orang lewat, dan nanya kami ini ngantri apa, semua kompak bilang, ngantri tiket Lion King Theatre. Bwahahaha.

I : Wah seru! Emang nggak banyak yang tau ya kalo U2 bakalan show di Melbourne?
S: Kayaknya nggak deh. Soalnya mereka nggak pasang poster dan di tv, iklannya juga cuma flash in gitu, kalo rajin ngikutin website ticketmaster, nah baru tuh ngeh. Lucunya, tadi pagi pas lagi pada goleran di trotoar gitu, ada orang Taiwan lewat dan nanya, "Kalian ngantri apa?" Kali ini kami jawab jujur, konser U2. Dia nanya balik,"Itu band atau apa yah?" Semua ngangguk sambil males. Eh tetep dia nanya balik,"Bagus nggak band nya?"

I : Jam berapa mulai bergegas?
S: Jam 5 pagi udah nggak bisa tidur. Padahal baru tidur sejam. Gara-gara jalanan kan dibersihin tuh jam segitu, tuh sikat mesin segede Tokyo pas banget di depan muka. Bangun deh. Herannya Irish-Irish itu masih cespleng aja.

I : Seru yah! Akhirnya dapet dong tiketnya?
S: Dapet dong. Beli beberapa buat temen-temen yang nitip juga. Untungnya satu orang bisa beli 8 tiket. Tadi beli 6. Begitu langit terang, baru nyadar ternyata antriannya udah hampir 1 blok. Nggak seberapa sih, mungkin kebanyakan orang beli on line. Tapi saya nggak ada kartu kredit, jadi manual aja. Lagian menyenangkan sekali!

I : Kapan sih konsernya?
S : Nanti akhir Maret 2006. Di Telstar Dome, guede banget tempatnya, makanya denger-denger, U2 bawa peralatan sampe 32 kontainer yang dikirim lewat laut. Makin penasaran.

I : Emang situ suka banget yah sama U2?
S : Sebenernya belakangan ini udah nggak kena lagi ya dengerin U2. Tapi kalo ada kesempatan ngeliat live, wah nggak boleh di skip itu.

I : Ya udah, selamat menikmati konsernya ya!
S: Sama-sama ya, kan nontonnya bareng situ juga.

I : Oh iyah.
S: ... ... ...

I =istrinya
S =suaminya

broke my heart

as it is something that always connected to relationship between man and woman in the name of the word "L" [in narrow minded way], but not at this time for me. keep reading.

anyway, as I and several groups of friends, we're at the same age, between 25-30, it's just about time that we'll exchange wedding invitations between us at this year or few ahead. i am married and witnessing best friends married afterwards, is just something that will always amaze me. a friend said, it's not suppose to be a big thing anymore for me since i've done it.

but it's not the way it is, is it? when you've been in such excitement and when other people are about to do it, it is really really possible that you'll feel the same excitement for the second time. and if you think that you deserve to be part of the excitement but in fact you're not even close to it, it's just sucks, isn't it? nothing you can do anyway, you can't nag and drag and carry on, upset, and stuff, you just have to stop whining and calmly describe your feeling and try to understand and except it. but it's just broke your heart, isn't it? agree?!! say yes! [why i'm being such a pushy bitch!]

few days ago, i got an offline message from my goodest friend. it's written that this guy [a friend of us], has just got married a week ago. since it was an offline message, impatiently i buzzed him, and of course he wasn't there. normally, i will just stop being such an annoying -want-to-know- person. but, that time i couldn't. so as i always do, i managed to reconfirm everything, and got the final answer. yes, he's got married a week ago.

and it's just broke my heart. no, no, it's not like that. we've never been in such relationship. if we used to be boyfriend girlfriend, probably it would be much easier for me to except it. "oh that looser bastard managed to find the girl! good luck for the girl!" hahaha, you know those bitchy [and fun] kinda feelings sometimes unavoidably popping in your mind. but it's different, so we weren't in such relationship thingy. we are good friend.

we both have a totally different personality, different background, a lot differences. he always be the smartest and i am of course the opposite. he's read those intellectual books, and me still stuck with the teen magazine. he's completly clueless about how to start approaching and dating those girls, and i am the expert. yet we're a good friend. shortly, he was there when i was growing up [20-25]. that's the highlight.

so, i'm happy for him, he's got married, move on to another step, another work [you know marriage is actually another work, with different model of problem]. it's just broke my heart that i knew this not directly from him. broke my heart.

sleep talking

in these past months i've been sleep talking a lot.
adit always laughs at the next morning when he is telling me what happened at the night before.
it happens mostly when i fall asleep at the couch.
may be it was because i didn't sleep that well or whatever.
the funny thing is, even i was sleeping, when adit asked me questions, i could answer.
i don't have that much explanations though, may be i should go to doctor or counsellor.

it would be more funny if i wrote in Indonesian as it happened.
so, for non native speaker, just buzz me, i'll translate it for you.

tragedy one
Him: "Yuk, pindah ke kamar, udah malem"
Me: "Nggak ah, es nya belum jadi!"
H: "Es apaan?"
M: "Es ya es batu!"
H: "Es batu apa?"
M: "Es batu di kulkas belum jadi, aku nggak mau pindah ke kamar!"

tragedy two
H: "Aku udah selesai, yuk pindah ke kamar!"
M: "Nggak ah, dingin!"
H: "Ya makanya pindah ke kamar!"
M: "Nggak, kakiku dingin!"
H: "Kenapa dingin?"
M: "Kakinya dicelupin ke es krim!"
H: "Maksudnya?"
M [sambil marah]: "Kakiku dingin, soalnya aku celupin ke es krim!!!"

tragedy three
at this time we didn't sleep in the bed room, decided to crashed on sofa bed.
so there was no drama to drag me to the bed room.
Adit has just finished with his assignment and jumped on beside me.
M: "Itu astronot!"
H: "Astronot apa?"
M: "Tadi astronot dateng, ada 5 orang!"
H: "Astronot siapa?"
M: "Yah astronot, kayak kita, kayak kita astronot!"

last night
H: "Hey!"
M [this time didn't say anyhting, just this..]: *smiling very wide*
H; "Hey!"
M: *smiling even wider*
H: "Kenapa?"
M: *smiling like the first one*

why in the world, a people like me does exist?
sleep talking, astronaut, dip legs into ice cream, smiling saying nothing.

what's wrong with me hei?

less worry is ....

so i've got this massive problem, if i could call it problem.
for me i like to call it an expensive lesson instead.
not really a lesson though because this was happening when i was just being honest.
so just name it s h i t.
australian government screwed me up.
they made me paid certain amount of money.
f c u k.

when i got this letter, i was at home by myself.
i read it carefully, and i felt so bad.
almost faint, naah, kidding, just felt so angry actually.
didn't know what to do, confuse and sort of kinda feeling.
i was so reactive, called friends, try to find out what happened.
so typical panic circumstances.
i got some answers, and they said this kinda problem happens all the time.
i couldn't explain all the details here.
but if any of you who read this and so curious, i'm more than happy to tell the story.
because it's not the problem that i want to write, but the process of solving it.
ah, just keep reading ...

anyway
when adit got home from school, straight away i cried like hell.
no no, not because i was sad [sometimes people mix up why girls cry, as far as i'm concern, most girls cry because they're angry, and yes some because they're sad or whatever], so i was just so b l o o d y angry.
it's so typical me, angry so much can't stand it, cry is always the answer.
and i felt better afterwards as always.

the whole night we talked about this, the options and stuff like that.
basically, we're agreed to pay off and forget about this.
sure i wanted to over it as soon as i can.
but i know myself, once i got into problem normally it would carry on and on and on.

but IT WASN'T.
the next day, finished work i met naoko my japanese friend and sissel the norwegian.
those two girls are people who i talk to most of the time, and i could say, they're so me and i'm so them.
sometimes naive but realistic at the same time, laid back and easy.
naoko's respons so kicked out!
when i told her, she was just smiling, said,"fuck off, it happens all the time, just pay and forget it!"
sissel's one,"oh shit, what's wrong with them?" and in couple minutes we changed to other topic.
yeah i know, we are swearing a lot, and most of the time because of this stupid australian system.

so i'm over it less than 24 hours.
i was asking myself, wow, how could i have done this?
this is not me.
but, may be just like mom used to say to me.
"oouuw, my baby is growing up!"

so come to think of it, it might be true.
lia or
yulia or
jujul or
whatever you like to call me
has grown up.

so conclusion so far,
less worry is maturity.
not sure yet though
but i just want to put it that way.
can i?